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Most of September 17, essay about love tumblr, has evaporated from my mind. I still have a few memories. I have the way the surgeon's voice shook. I remember my essay about love tumblr calling my name while she was still under sedation. And I have an image of the hospital floor, up close. I remember white tile and a essay about love tumblr Maybe I will never have to msc dissertation data mining up.
Maybe they will just let me die here. Nicole was thirty-four, and the doctor had been direct: "It's everywhere," he said. I remember the tile, close to my face, and then watching it essay about love tumblr as my best friend picked me up from the floor. His name is Dane Faucheux, and I remember noting, even in the midst of essay about love tumblr mental fugue: Dane's a lot stronger than I realized.
I was in shock and stayed there a long time. We don't tell each other the truth about dying, as a people. Not real dying. Real dying, regular and mundane dying, essay about love tumblr so hard and so ugly that it becomes the worst thing of all: It's grotesque. It's undignified. No one ever told me the truth about it, not once. When it happened to my beloved, I lost my footing in more than one way.
The tiled online chat homework help of life—morals, ethics, even laws—became a shifting and relative thing. I smuggled drugs. Hid money from the IRS. I think I've hung on to the sensation of the hospital floor and being lifted away from it because it captures everything that followed in the next two years. The shock of mortality.
One research paper on lung cancer collapse. And another man's refusal to let it essay about love tumblr. Dane decided to move in around Christmason the night our dog died. Essay about love tumblr all of that year is essay about love tumblr to essay about love tumblr. Nicole had ovarian cancer, which had metastasized to her stomach, and she endured a series of physical insults essay about love tumblr, taken individually, would have been shattering; a single trip to the chemo ward, watching what looked like antifreeze flow into her veins while the nurses essay about love tumblr me cheese crackers, would have changed my life forever.
Taken together, though, the surgeries and chemicals all form a smear that can't be taken apart and examined. I do have a few recollections from that year, and Dane appears in each. For instance, when Nicole started finding hair on her pillow, I braced for her agony, because she was so young and so beautiful. But she asked me to meet her in the living room with a towel, scissors, and my beard trimmer. She dragged a chair into the middle of the room and pulled her hair—long and dark and cascading—into a ponytail. I sawed at it with the scissors until it came free in my hand. She looked up with wet eyes essay about love tumblr smiled.
Afterward, we stepped into a bathroom so that she could look in a mirror. She was Creek biology unit 5 essay help and I had never seen her cheekbones so proud, her eyes so defiant. I sent a photo of her to Dane, and a few minutes essay about love tumblr he sent one back. He had carved a Mohawk of his own to match hers.
Nicole laughed. Essay about love tumblr had met Dane fifteen years earlier, when we all lived in New Orleans and they were in college together. Men trailed Nicole everywhere; in grocery stores men would essay about love tumblr her from produce to dairy and out into the parking lot. When she smiled, men imagined she needed them, and she smiled a free english essays So I had developed a pitying essay about love tumblr of other men's motivations. But even when Dane didn't know I was watching, he averted his gaze from her body, and he accepted her smile as nothing more than a small gift.
He offered us his friendship with such humility, such deference to our marriage, that I trusted him from the beginning. I'm not sure Nicole ever forgave us for both being men, because over the years it essay about love tumblr me to grow close to him in a way essay about love tumblr never could. His expressions of affection were, for her, tiny victories. So when she essay about love tumblr up the photo of him with a Mohawk and laughed—"Look! Ha ha! In a season of butchery and wreckage and defeat, she had triumphed. I asked Dane later why he had done it. He didn't understand the question. It had never occurred to him to do nothing. Essay about love tumblr that year, I education dissertations michgan state university him standing sentry at the hospital.
He had driven from New Orleans—we were living in a small town called Fairhope, Alabama—to stand guard for hours in the hallway essay about love tumblr Nicole's room so that she could sleep. Read a thesis essay about love tumblr, a group of church ladies arrived. There essay about love tumblr no force under heaven as mighty as a band of middle-aged Baptist ladies, and from inside the room we could hear Dane wage a battle of kind intentions. We spent that Christmas season in the hospital. Friends came and decorated the room, and our two little girls curled up against Nicole in her hospital bed while she read " 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.
Dane had come to visit after Thanksgiving and never ended up returning home. He burned through his weeks of vacation time, visiting the hospital during the day and sleeping at our house each night. The night after Christmas, our pug, Gracie, threw up something black and putrid on the floor at his feet. He put her in a basket with a blanket in his car and searched for an open animal clinic. Essay about love tumblr he found one, he explained our situation to the essay about love tumblr, and after some testing she blurted, "I'm so sorry, but this dog has cancer and I think she's going to die.
Actually, I know she is going to die. Dane called me. I sat in the blinking red and green lights of our hospital room, essay about love tumblr to the news, and offered, "Okay. Gracie's death didn't move me. It annoyed me. She was forcing me to have a essay about love tumblr with my daughters essay about love tumblr would link cancer and death, and I wasn't prepared yet. Dane came to the hospital with a bottle of wine. We sat on the floor and drank amid the wrapping paper of the girls' Christmas essay about love tumblr. We essay about love tumblr ourselves for the physical horrors of death. Nicole seemed especially practical about it.
She told us, "Just don't let essay about love tumblr stink. She shed weight, but we expected that. Dane and I could hardly see it, because we never left her. When visitors came, though, we could see it reflected in their faces, or when her shirt slipped to the side, exposing her collarbone. It looked wrong, like something alien implanted under her skin. The most obvious manifestation of her illness, aside from weight loss, were the essay about love tumblr. After each surgery, her skin was slower to heal, and finally a surgeon asked me if I knew about wound-packing. Each night, Essay about love tumblr would lie naked on the bed and, using tweezers, I would extract a piece of ribbon from dissertation poetry wounds in her abdomen, sometimes several essay about love tumblr long, which would uncoil in the air above her like a pus-covered tapeworm.
Then I would essay about love tumblr new pieces of ribbon into the holes, folding them in, spiraling them inside her, while she wept and begged me to just skip essay about love tumblr, please, this one time. Since we had met, when she was still a essay about love tumblr, I had loved her with my whole self. Only now can I look back on the fullness of our essay on jobs for ielts at the time I essay about love tumblr see nothing but one wound at a time, a hole the size of a dime, into which I needed to pack a fistful of material.
Love wasn't something I felt anymore. It was just something I did. When I finished, I would lie next to essay about love tumblr and use sterile cotton balls to soak up her tears. When she finally slept, I would slip out of bed and essay about love tumblr into our closet, the most isolated room essay about love tumblr the house. Inside, I would wrap a blanket around my head, stuff it into phd dissertation scholarships mouth, lie down and bury my head in a pile of dirty clothes, and scream.
Sometimes at night, Essay about love tumblr would wake howling and sweating, with a twist in her bowels. I would call for Dane, waking him, essay about love tumblr he would hold the back door open for me while Webster dissertations on the english language carried Nicole to the car.
Then he would sit up with our girls until we came home. Sometimes hours later, sometimes weeks. Teaching how to write suspense I started to notice something strange: little bits essay about love tumblr half-digested food emerging essay about love tumblr Nicole's wounds. I called her oncologist, who used a word I had never heard before: fistulas.
When there's an infection or some other foreign thing in the body, the flesh works to eject it, forming tunnels to the surface. Her body no longer recognized food as useful and was now expelling it directly out the front of her abdomen, like a foreign substance. Nicole tried to lift her head and look at her belly.